Here we are just sitting here awkwardly in his room in silence. Neither of us is saying a word. There’s so much to be explained but the stubborn nature of both of us isn’t going to allow either to be the first one to speak up. Since we got in here he’s been sitting in his computer chair playing with his phone while I sit on his bed Indian style getting myself together and waiting for the questions to pour in but that never happened.
I throw my body back roughly onto his pillow and clasp my hands together over my barely rounded stomach as I stare up at the ceiling.
“Be careful,” he says sternly not bothering lifting his eyes up from his phone but I ignore him. Is he serious? The first two words spoken are ‘be careful.’ I swear he thinks he’s my father. You should’ve seen the way that he yanked me up and dragged me to his room from the Union. It was so embarrassing because there were so many people around from all of the commotion. First of all me throwing up in front of everybody was not ok. Then the whole altercation that was about to go down with Blake and Jay happened that I had to calm down. Today has just been a lot of drama. People at this school probably have this notion of me that I don’t like. Just wait until they find out that I’m pregnant with one of the star basketball player’s baby…they’re going to have a field day with this one.
“Did you get my books?” I questioned him trying to make small talk. I seen them sitting on the dresser but I wanted to get a conversation brewing.
“Dresser,” he said still not taking his eyes from his phone. He was so annoying when he got into this mode where he acted like everything was fine but he had so much that he needed to say. This is going to be one stubborn baby.
“You got anything you need to say?” I said propping my head up on my elbow turning over on my side.
“Nah shawty,” he said and burst out laughing at something on his phone. I wasn’t going to sit here and keep being ignored by him. I know I was in the wrong and had some explaining to do but he wasn’t going to treat me like shit by being rude. I was over the whole day and just wanted to go back home. Not back to my apartment but to my mom’s house in New York. I didn’t want to be in Baltimore anymore. My life was perfectly fine before I came to this shit hole.
Since Jay wanted to ignore me and act like he didn’t want me in his room I was leaving. If he didn’t want to know anything why was I there? He wasn’t talking to me or even acknowledging my presence. Being here was just making me more miserable and wanting to cry again. I was tired of crying so I got up off the bed quickly reaching for my shoes. I had the right shoe on but as I went to put on my left chuck Jay grabbed my arm but I yanked it away from him.
“Where you going?” he asked.
“Sit your ass down,” he said and sat back in his computer chair but I kept tying my shoe. I then grabbed my jacket off the bed. “Dakota I said sit your ass down.”
“Stop talking to me like that! I’m not your child.”
“Well stop acting like a child then and sit the fuck down!”
“I’m not your child Jay! Stop talking to me like I’m stupid!” I yelled at him and he laughed. “And you’re laughing? I don’t find shit funny!”
“I find you funny.”
“Am I a clown?” I said sarcastically.
“Nah I find it funny that you act younger than the fetus that you’re carrying.”
“I’m not going to stay here so you can keep insulting me,” I said and began putting my jacket on. He got up from his chair and handled me by my shoulders making me sit down in the chair he was just in. “Get. Off. Of. Me.” I said through gritted teeth.
“What is wrong with you?” he spoke inches away from my face.
“Nothing. Just please let me go,” I said as tears threatened to leave my eyes.
“And you always crying. You need to stop that shit. What’s your problem?”
“Please get off me!” I yelled trying to pry his hands off my shoulders.
“You want me to let you go that easily like that nigga just did? I’m not him Dakota! I’m not going to let you sit here and pout like a spoiled ass brat and get everything you want. When you’re in the wrong I’m going to let you know that you’re wrong. I’m not your mom and I’m damn sure not that bitch ass nigga. You chastise me when I’m wrong so here I am returning the favor. You need to know what it feels like to be wrong,” he told me seriously looking in my eyes.
“Ok Jay I understand. Just let me go,” I said lowly as a couple of tears escaped.
“Let you go?” he repeated to himself and shook his head. He took his hands off of my shoulders and went over to open his room door. “You want me to let you go well goodbye Dakota. Here’s the door,” he told me as the cold air from the hallway entered the room. I sat there stuck staring at the open door as he stood there waiting for me leave. “Why you still sitting there? You wanted me to let you go so get the fuck out!” he yelled rudely and I burst into tears. These hormones were getting the best of me. Jay slammed the door and walked over to me. “What do you want from me Dakota? Huh? Because I don’t understand! You asked me to let go of you, I say no, you insist that I let go and when I finally do you don’t move? I don’t get you so help me gain a little bit of clarity because I just don’t understand. I don’t get what just went on between you and that clown, I don’t understand where that leaves us and I don’t know why the hell you keep crying,” he said wiping the tear that just fell out of my eye. “What do you want? I’m tired of trying to read your mind. I never gave a fuck enough to try to understand a girl but there’s something about you Dakota that I have all of these weird ass caring feelings for you and I don’t know how to deal with them. So tell me what you want and I’ll do it. Do you want me to let go of you or nah?” he said and sat on the computer desk that was beside the chair. I just sat there with my red eyes glued on the ground. The tears stopped but the thoughts didn’t.
“No,” I answered after about 2 minutes of calculating how I was going to put it.
“No…” he repeated.
“No.” I said again.
“No I don’t want you to let me go,” I replied still looking at the ground.
“What do you want me to do then?” he said kneeling down in front of me so I could look at him. I looked in his eyes and took in his intoxicating scent.
“I want you to hold on to me and never let me go. I want you to make sure I never regret making the decision I just made. Most of all I never want you to do me the way I just did him. Don’t fall out of love with our child or me. I just want you to continue to make me happy.”
“I can do all of that. Now can I tell you want I want from you?” he said looking me deep in my eyes.
“First I want you to stop all this crying ma. You’re a beautiful girl but red baggy eyes ain’t your thing. Plus I don’t like seeing you like this. I want you to stop thinking so hard and just live. You can’t erase the past but you can live for your future. I want you to smile and let me make you happy. Stop giving me attitude and a hard time. Ok?”
“Can I have a kiss?” he asked placing his hands on both sides of my face. I gripped the back of his neck pulling him in closer and planted my lips onto his. I broke the kiss with a smile as I felt a little at peace with my decision and so did the baby as I felt butterflies in my belly.
“Is that a smile I see?” he said which made me smile harder. “You look so much better when you smile. Stop being so emotional. Lemme see them pearly whites boo.” He said cheesing like a fool.
“Ew you’re so corny,” I said laughing at him.
“You know my style I say anything to make you smile,” he said and stole another kiss from me. I felt movement down at my feet from his hands.
“Fool what are you doing?”
“Taking these shoes off. Your ass not leaving no time soon so get comfortable.” He said pulling my chucks off of my feet and tossing them to the side.
As Jay searched for the remote I got up, took my jacket off and went to lie back down on the bed. Before climbing behind me Jay lifted up my shirt and kissed my stomach whispering ‘I love you’ to the baby.
“We love you too,” I told him, as he got comfortable around me wrapping his arms around my stomach as we both fell asleep watching reruns of Love & Hip Hop.
“Wake ya’ll asses up!” I heard as I felt a pillow hit me in the head.
“Dog what the fuck!” I heard Jay groan as I opened my eyes.
“What the hell was that outside the Union earlier?” Ryan asked looking at me and I looked back at him half awake.
“Ryan please shut the fuck up,” Jay said.
“You don’t have any questions for her? This random ass nigga come up to the school and tries to fight you claiming that he’s her boyfriend and you sitting her laid up with this bitch? You gotta fucking be kidding me Jay this ain’t you my nigga!”
“Bitch!?” I exclaimed.
“Aye bruh on some real shit don’t call her a bitch,” Jay said calmly but sternly rising up from the bed.
“You got me fucked up with that bitch word son. You don’t fucking know me to be calling me out of my name like that. Watch your mouth,” I warned him.
“Or what bitch,” he spat vulgarly at me. Jay jumped up from the bed and pushed him back.
“What the fuck I just say yo?”
“So you going to try to fight me over this shawty you just met? Did you see what the fuck just went down with ole dude? You so stuck on some pussy like there are not bitches waiting outside to drop their drawers for you. She just transferred here and got you tripping out like this? You’ve known the bitch for what 3 months, hit off the first night and now you want to flip out on your brother that you’ve known basically your whole life. Pussy must do some magic tricks maybe I should try it out,” Ryan said in Jay’s face. Before I knew it Jay’s fist cocked back and knocked Ryan square in the jaw. Ryan’s head went back as blood flooded his sheets.
“Fuck!” Jay shouted pacing back and forth the space in the middle of the floor shaking his hand as Ryan sat on the bed holding his mouth.
“Jay please calm down,” I said trying to get him to sit down but he was full of rage right then and I didn’t need to get hurt so I sat back down on the bed trying to figure out what to do. Ryan walked over to the sink and spit a mouth full of blood out washing it down the drain.
“Bruh,” Jay said to Ryan.
“Nah I see how you are now. Pussy got your mind gone,” he said as he began to rinse his mouth out.
“Someone’s knocking on the door,” I spoke up. Jay went to look through the peephole.
“It’s the R.A.,” he said.
“Well what are ya’ll going to do?” I asked concerned.
“I’m not doing shit. I’m out,” Ryan said as he wet a washcloth then went over to open the door.
“Is everything ok in here?” she asked and Ryan just brushed past her with the washcloth over his lip.
“Yeah everything is fine we just had a little disagreement,” Jay told her.
“Do I need to send a counselor up?”
“Nah, that’s not called for everything is fine now. Thank you though.”
“I usually would have to report this but I’m going to let it slide this time.”
“Hit my phone,” she whispered to him and walked off. Jay shook his head, closed the door and came to sit on the bed beside me.
“What she just say?”
“Nothing. What the fuck just happened?” Jay said looking at his hand.
“I heard what she said.”
“So what? I’m not hitting that hoe up. I don’t give a fuck about her. If I wanted her again I could have her.”
“Again?” I said taken back.
“Yes Dakota I used to fuck her like last semester. I fucked a lot of girls that live in this building but that don’t mean shit anymore because I don’t fuck with them now. You ever wonder why you get so many dirty looks when I sign you in it’s because I probably fucked all of them. That’s the reality of the situation get over it. I don’t do it anymore and they’re salty they see me giving you more attention than I’ve ever given them.”
“So you were basically a hoe before you met me?”
“Basically,” he said examining his hand harder.
“But I’m not anymore so chill out. Look at this shit doe,” he said putting his hand in my face. I leaned my head back some because it was too close to my face then grabbed him by the wrist to look at it.
“Damn it’s swollen pretty bad. You need to put some ice on that.”
“Nigga’s mouth made out of bricks and shit.”
“What was that all about anyways? I didn’t respect how he kept calling me a bitch does he always talked bad about me like that?”
“Not really. He used to joke about me being pussy whipped and all that because I used to turn down girls he’d bring over but he’s never called you out of your name like that. I don’t know why he flipped.”
“Thank you for having my back. I know that must’ve been hard to choose between me and your best friend.”
“Your welcome but it wasn’t hard.”
“Because ain’t nobody going to disrespect you while I’m around. I’m not having it I don’t care who you are. You’re the mother of my child…I don’t play that shit.”
“So I’m taking it that he doesn’t know about the baby?”
“Nah nobody knows besides whoever you told.”
“I didn’t tell anybody but Aryn.”
“Well only me, you, Aryn, the doctor and God know that we’re having a baby.”
“I think that it’s about that time for us to tell our parents…” I suggested.
“I don’t know how my parents are going to react.”
“Me neither…I’m scared.”
“No matter what we’re in this together ma.”
“Promise?” I said holding my pinky out.
“Promise.” He said locking his pinky with mine and placing a kiss on my lips.
India Renee is a 21-year-old college student from the DC, MD, VA area whose secret hobby is writing. She hopes that everyone enjoys her inner thoughts just as much as she does.